You know what I hate? Well besides olives. And shrimp. And the world “meal”. Current events. I hate current events. I hate that events happening now are called current, and that if I want to be “Teh Serious Blogger”, I need to talk about these things as if they matter to me when they don’t. I could give exactly zero bothers about Bruce Jenner, Gay Marriage, or whatever the hell the new outrage is this week. Zero. Bothers.
I want to write blog posts about my annoying children, and kitty videos, and what I had for breakfast (because I’m not cool enough to have brunch), and the fact that when people say tolerant they really mean, “shut up if you disagree with me or I’ma start shit and blame it on you since you didn’t back down.” Cause seriously, fuck those bitches.
And what’s up with passive aggression being seen as an okay way to act these days? When did passive-aggressively hinting at shit become synonymous with being “adult”? Why are all the cowardly-ass bitches being allowed to dictate the terms of polite society? This is why I think we were better off as a society when women couldn’t vote and hysterical pearl clutchers couldn’t ruin it for the rest of us. Cunts.
Don’t get me wrong, I like voting, I guess. I like it in the way you liked pizza day in grade school when you got to eat processed cardboard and fake cheese topped with tomato sauce and MSG instead of mystery surprise whatevers. And I like being a mature, responsible, logical woman who manages to gain the respect of the men I come into contact in my life, and occasionally some of the women, too. But, frankly, the day we let society be dominated by vaginas and feelings was the day we lost all hope to remain culturally relevant on a global scale.
The way I see it, when we decided to devote our social energies to checking our “privilege”, and making sure we don’t offend the mentally ill people who identify as fictional characters, or sentient shades of the color blue instead of, say, colonizing the moon, we ceased being relevant on a global scale. Some other upstart country–maybe China, maybe Botswana, I don’t fucking know– is going to one day very soon take our place at the forefront of the human species, all because America had to devolve into narcissistic navel gazing and gluten free food.
Now I’m not saying we should go back to the “good ol’ days” because those don’t exist. But, I am saying that maybe we should all go back to minding our own fucking business and return the public space to things actually valuable to the entire public, like, you know, clean fission.
These days, I can’t be part of an online homeschooling group without running into at least half a dozen sanctimommies ready to tell me all the ways I’m failing at gentle parenting and being kind to mother earth. It’s text, and yet I still walk away from these conversations with the impression of having just been smothered by Burberry sweaters and contempt on a psychic level. How the fuck are these bitches doing that? I mean, have they really focused their self-importance so much that it now operates with laser-like precision when they turn it on, slicing vast swaths of the interwebs to shreds with organic hummus recipes and fun crafts to make with Popsicle sticks and their own composted poop?
Think of what sort of difference these bitches could make in the world if all that devotion went rather into the STEM fields. We’d have a cure for cancer after one thirty minute certified organic fair trade coffee date at Target! But if that happened, there’d be nobody around telling the rest of us our failings, and we just can’t let the most tolerant among us stop leading by example, now can we?