He Still Fucks Like a Champ: What to Remember When Overcoming the Threat of Divorce

Post divorce threat thinking works like this: Add one part compliment, to two parts humility, season with leftover anger, add a pinch of exhaustion, then let bake in a warm oven of forgiveness for an hour, or until you think his butt is cute again, whichever comes first. Then remove and let cool. Test doneness by stabbing repeatedly with a fork (metaphorically, though literally is quite tempting a thought as well), then, fuck all over that mother fucker.

What, you were expecting something else? What the hell attracted you people to your spouse in the first place, huh? It sure as fuck wasn’t the way he rhythmically snores in his sleep, that’s for damn sure.

When you have pushed your relationship to the utter limits and broken pretty much every damned dependable thing about it, you’re left sitting in the wreckage of your unfilled expectations. If you want to fix that marriage, you’re gonna have to sweep that wreckage out of the way and start over. Literally.

It’s all about falling in love all over again, which, whether the spiritual among us like it or not, involves mostly orgasms. Y’all attempting to repair what y’all done fucked up need to active some beast mode and go at it like he’s that kinda scary, dirty-in-a-good way dick with a man attached you sexualized the hell out of when you first met him.

Ladies, you have got to access that place where you just wanna chew on him. Once the smoke clears, you’re gonna open your eyes and see somebody who looks quite similar to the husband you thought you lost. And that’s a beautiful thing.

No amount of fuckin’ will ever fix anything, ever–except like your period for nine months or so– but it’s a start and that’s EXACTLY what you two need right now.

Go get busy.

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