Nobody is yelling my name right now so I started thinking…

Thoughts. I haz them. Look:

  • When the baby sleeps in I don’t really understand what I’m supposed to do with my morning. I’m used to planning my activities with the weight of her on my hip in mind. This sleeping in crap has me sitting and waiting, wondering if I should go check her breathing. Again.
  • I made oatmeal for breakfast. Apparently on some subconscious level I wanted myself and the older two children getting in touch with the exact lengths of our colons today. Well, at least they’re both full after breakfast for once.
  • My kitten is attacking my TV. I document it on Instagram.
  • I should be doing things which are productive today, and I will, but I just remembered that the boba backpack isn’t in the house and I’m not going to be able to carry the baby with me while I work. Yay for my back, boo for my productivity.
  • The above doesn’t bother me too terrible much
  • Because I’m an honorable mention in the competition for World’s Okayest Mom
  • Speaking of Mom things, The Hubs and I finalized our peace treaty with some fuck-you-don’t-leave-me ass. I don’t really know how that segue is supposed to work. Consider the awkwardness you’re feeling a beautiful gift of my friendship. You are welcome.
  • And it was good ass, too. You’re extra welcome.
  • Being a parent for kids at these ages is a lot like living in a time warp. For example, today’s big tasks are to shampoo the carpets, mop the kitchen, and finish the laundry, Yesterday’s tasks were to shampoo the carpets, mop the kitchen, and finish the laundry. Tomorrow’s big tasks are to shampoo the carpets, mop the kitchen and finish the laundry.
  • It’s been this way every day that I can remember
  • Whenever my husband asks me what we have to get done today, I turn into Brain and say, “the same thing we do every day Pinky, try and take back our house”
  • It’s not worked so far.
  • I don’t think tomorrow is my day, either.
  • Have you ever picked your nose and apparently busted into a secret chamber of boogers that shouldn’t conceivably be there, like your sinuses are suddenly the TARDIS and you’re Harry Potter and your kids are thoroughly grossed out and confused in their sci-fi/fantasy references?
  • That happens to me at least once a day
  • My sister just had a nose job for a deviated septum, and that makes me question how related we are actually, since I could fit a fucking Buick up my nose.
  • And that was before I did all that Miami Snow in my 20s
  • Deviated septum. Pssh.
  • So my dog, the one who wouldn’t stop peeing my floor, had her anal glands expressed by the vet yesterday. The look of shock and betrayal on her face when it happened makes me wonder why PETA doesn’t protest vet’s offices for perpetuating a canine rape culture.
  • And don’t tell me that it’s a medical procedure for their own good that they couldn’t possibly understand. The same shit was said about involuntary electroshock therapy and lobotomies in the 20th century.
  • Bark means no!
  • Where’s the Tumblr SJW’s and why aren’t they already on this?
  • Damn, how is the baby still asleep?

calvintgime

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